very last puff

I smoke. I also quit smoking everyday. In the morning I wake up disgusted with myself. Wheezing and coughing, I smell like I have rolled through the charred remains of a campfire.

Emphysema of the lungs, CT scan

So when I weakly stumble out of bed I decide I am quitting smoking. By the end of the day, usually around 5pm, I have lit up another cigarette. I smoke it. I smoke another. Then I smoke another. It starts all over again.

I somehow convince myself, what does it matter, I want a cigarette, so why shouldn’t I be allowed to have what I want. And soon after I hate myself for it.

So I have decided to quit smoking again. And I will throw everything I can at the habit. I quit before, I managed six months, but my weak sense of self got the better of me. It won’t happen again. It is over. I am quitting.